Here is a small collection of jokes that I have collected. Enjoy.
[Bill Gates/Computer Related] [Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinski] [General] [Sex/Men vs. Women] [Drinking/The Results]
Bill Gates/Computers
10) You can't use 5-1/4" floppy disks.
9) You can't go shopping with your friends for a Sound Blaster board
because Macs don't need one.
8) Your 200 MHz 604e Mac does integer calculation equivalent to a 362 MHz
Pentium Pro, but you can only brag about 200 MHz.
7) Networking a Mac is not an impressive feat.
6) Macs don't come in black, and we all know black cabinets make computers
faster and louder.
5) You have to add a system extension to make Mac menus stay down like
Windows. We like pokey menus because it's too hard to hold that heavy
mouse button down while we read.
4) And the Mac mouse is too slow. We want our cursor to fly wildly off the
screen when we twitch our wrist because hyper cursors make our PCs look
faster.
3) You just plug Macs in and they work. Where's the challenge in that?
2) When you add stuff, you just plug them in and they work, too. Again, no
challenge.
1) Your clients and teachers know about Nos. 2 and 3, so they expect Mac
users to deliver results, not excuses!
Bill Gates dies and meets St. Peter. St Peter tells him that through his work he did wonderful things by getting more people to use computers and ending their fear of trying them, but that Windows 95 was just plain awful, so he couldn't decide whether to send him to Heaven or Hell.
St Peter tells Bill Gates since he is such a smart man, that he will give him the rare opportunity of chosing his own fate.
First they go to Hell. Its not at all like Bill imagined. There are tropical beaches, with warm sands, and all kinds of people there enjoying the tropical paradise. Bill tells St Peter he had no idea that Hell was anything like this.
Then they go to heaven. It too is beautiful. City in the clouds, angels singing beautiful music. Peace and tranquiltiy reign.
Bill tells St Peter that while they are both wonderful places that he thinks that Hell looked like a wonderful place to spend eternity and that is where he wanted to go.
Awhile later, St Peter goes to check on Bill and sees how he is doing. He finds Bill in chains, sweat pouring off of him in the heat, and unearthly, horrible noises surround him.
He asks Bill how he is doing and Bill says:
"This is nothing like the place you took me to on the tour. Where are the beaches? Where is the tropical paradise?"
St Peter looks at him and says:
"Oh, that was just the demo version."
The difference between Drug Dealers and Software Developers
 |
 |
|---|---|
| Refer to their clients as "users". | Refer to their clients as "users". |
| "The first one's free!" | "Download a free trial version..." |
| Have important South-EastAsian connections (to help move the stuff). | Have important South-EastAsian connections (to help debug the code). |
| Strange jargon: "Stick," "Rock," "Dime bag," "E". | Strange jargon: "SCSI," "RTFM," "Java," "ISDN". |
| Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. | Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. |
| Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent mixes. | Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, faster machines. |
| Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers. | Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists. |
| Their product causes unhealthy addictions. | DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. 'Nuff said. |
Clinton's Speech Translated
Through the marvels of technology, we were able to use the new patented Bullcrap Canceler 9000 to see what President Clinton was *really* trying to say in his August 17th Speech to the Nation.
[Translated speach in brackets]
"President Bill Clinton's Speech''
Aug. 17, 1998
CLINTON: Good evening.
[Yo.]
This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.
[Today, I got my arse dragged over the coals.]
I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer.
[I was lying like crazy trying to cover my arse.]
Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight.
[I got busted, and now I'm trying to minimize the damage.]
As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information.
[I conned everybody during the January deposition. I played a semantics game and was able to slither away without actually telling the truth.]
Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate.
[I have given a new definition to the term "screwed by the Government."]
In fact, it was wrong.
[We exhausted the Kama Sutra.]
It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.
[I was homy.]
But I told the grand jury today, and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action.
[Hope you brought a shovel 'cause here comes the bullsh*t ... ]
I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression.
[I lied like a bitch.]
I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that.
[Guess who's not 'getting any' tonight?]
I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.
[I thought I'd get away with the whole damn thing.]
I was also very concerned about protecting my family.
[Not to mention my testicles; Hillary has her own version of' Soccer.']
The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too.
[I didn't think there was a chance in hell that things would ever go this far.]
In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago, dealings I might add about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago.
[I was worried that Ken Starr would dig up MORE dirt on me.]
The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation.
[I'm still continuing my efforts to discredit the people who've caught me with my hand in the Cookie jar.]
This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people.
[Can't everybody just leave me alone?? Boo hoo! Whaaaaaahhh!!]
Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most my wife and our daughter and our God.
[Git offa mah land 'fore I shoot me a trespasser!]
I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so.
[If you think I bull crapped you before, you ain't seen NOTHIN' yet!!]
Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family, It's nobody's business but ours.
[The longer this matter stays in the public eye, the bigger my chances are of being recognized as a two-bit punk who has a taste for tender, young meat.]
Even presidents have private lives. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our National life.
[cough,cough,choke I'm having trouble breathing with this Smoke Screen that's gone up ... ]
Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can do.
[I got busted but maybe you won't see though my flimsy facade.]
Now it is time in fact, it is past time to move on.
[Mom! Make the Bad Man stop!]
We have important work to do real opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real security matters to face.
[You are getting sleepy. Soon you will forget. Yes, forget everything ... ]
And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century.
[Now that I've made a laughing stock out of the US, given the Arab Nations a legitimate reason to use the term 'American Pigs, and blown my credibility all to pieces, why not just grab a beer and pretend like none of this ever happened? C'mon, baby, relax.]
Thank you for watching.
[Sorry you had to see this.]
And Good Night.
[Ok! That's the signal! Al, shoot Hillary with the tranquilizer gun! Chelsea, tell Air Force One to lay in a course for Tehran! I wanna go somewhere safe!]
A collection of Clinton Jokes:
Hillary came into the room with a big smile and a spring in her step. "My you're in a good mood," said Bill. "Why are you so happy?" "I just got back from my annual physical exam and the doctor said I had the breasts of a 25 year old woman, " Hillary gushed. "Did he say anything about your 46 year old ass?" Bill asked. No," said Hillary, "your name wasn't mentioned once."
During the campaign, Dan Quayle said that if his daughter got pregnant, he'd let her decide whether or not to have an abortion. Marilyn Quayle said that if her daughter got pregnant, she would insist that she have the baby. Bill Clinton said, "The woman's a liar. I was in Cleveland at the time!"
Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C. He notices a good-looking prostitute. She sees this and calls out "Fifty dollars!" He's tempted, but the price is little high so he calls back "Five!" She'd disgusted and turns away and Bill continues his jog. A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she won't come down on her price. "Fifty!" she shouts and Bill answers her "Five!" No sale. About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy part of town and the same prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells "See what you get for five dollars!"
"Today that President Clinton commenced the first round of White House staff cuts. It is also reportedly the first time Mr. Clinton has given a woman a pink slip that he hasn't asked her to try on first...."
Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a Gas station. As the guy was filling up their car (he was dressed like a typical grease-jockey) he said to Hillary "I went to High School with you." She recognized him and agreed with him. Later as they were driving down the road Bill said, "If you had married him you wouldn't be married to the President". Hillary said "O yes I would - He would be President."
The Secret Service has been worried by Bill Clinton's practice of taking early morning jogs. They got a real scare the other day when somebody threw a beer at the president. Fortunately, it turned out to have been a draft, and Clinton was able to dodge it.
"I celebrated Presidents' Day in an authentic manner. I jogged to McDonald's, had a couple Big Macs, broke some promises from a couple months ago, and then took some money from some average middle-class citizens."
A condom manufacturer, trying to capitalize on the popularity (?) of President Bill Clinton, is introducing a new line of condoms called the "Slick Willie."
Bill Clinton will launch health consciousness campaign and promote jogging and reportedly, he asked Hillary would she run. "No," she said, "not now, not until '96."
Bill Clinton gets off Air Force One with a pig under each arm. As Clinton passes the Marine at the bottom of the ramp, the Marine salutes and says: "NICE PIGS SIR!" Clinton stops and says: "Soldier, these are not PIGS, they're Arkansas Razorbacks, the finest hogs on earth! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." To which the Marine replies: "NICE TRADE SIR!"
One Liners:
Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A. The nation.
Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Q: Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
A: He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.
Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.
Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.
Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
Seems today he finally admitted that he had sex with Gennifer
Flowers a couple of times....but he didn't come.
Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?
A: He wants to be on top.
Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
A: He married her.
Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite?
A: It Takes A Village!
Q: How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf?
A: He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods.
Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.
"One thing's for sure about Clinton...
He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!"
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.
Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.
Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
A: To promote off-shore drilling.
Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
A: Swallow the leader
Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
Back to Intense Craziness
If you have a good joke:
